Trauma — the relationship killer: How deep childhood wounds can heal

Jannyn Saß 16/04/2024

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Ways out of traumatisation in relationships

Photo: A couple as shadowy figures on a hill, distance between them, the sky in the background pale pink

In love, engaged, married, divorced. The feeling of having butterflies in your stomach and being head over heels in love — that is probably familiar to most of us. And that this feeling can disappear and be replaced by a grey everyday life is something just as many of us have experienced. Only a few months ago the relationship we were in seemed like the be-all and end-all, and now everything seems different. Why can relationships with people we thought we loved get so out of hand? Why do we feel hurt by them and find we cannot open our hearts?

Behind this obvious pain there is often a much deeper and older pain from childhood that we then re-experience in our relationships. It is as if our subconscious signals: Look, here is a wound that has not yet healed. Perhaps we were not loved by our mother or father, perhaps there was even physical or psychological abuse. And even if we were spared that, there are many other forms of traumatisation that can leave equally deep barbs in our soul.

“Humanity has probably never been so alienated from its normal emotional states as in the 21st century. Never before have so many people been emotionally so numb and impoverished.”

Pete Walker

What often shows up in relationships when things are not going well is so-called developmental trauma, also called relationship trauma. These traumas arise from the influence of the primary caregivers in early childhood and shape us very deeply. Because they occur so early in life, we can — often unconsciously — not imagine what a life without trauma would look like. We lack the memory of a time without trauma.

With a shock trauma it is different. Here the trauma is linked to a sudden event, such as a car accident. That day X arrives as a shock, can trigger a trauma and be life‑changing. But because there was a life before that day X, the affected person knows how it felt beforehand. He or she can remember a life before the traumatic event. By contrast, with developmental and relationship trauma the originally traumatising events take place during a phase of life we cannot remember. One’s talents, resources and abilities are overshadowed by it. That often makes therapy longer and more difficult.

What possibilities are there for resolving such a trauma? And how can relationships that we form as adults be healed as a result?

Why we like to try to change our partner in relationships

It is all too painful when we realise that our partner is not as we imagined them to be. When suddenly character traits emerge that we simply cannot cope with. Be it a drinking problem, constant negativity through endless criticism and nagging, or a general victim stance towards life — there are many aspects we simply ignored during the heady phase of falling in love with rose‑coloured glasses. Do you know that feeling?

Then we usually start trying to patch things up on the outside. We begin to want to change our partner. They should do more sport, live more healthily, put the toothpaste tube cap back on, or put the toilet seat down. We want to bend the person we love back into shape the way we would like them to be. The question is: why?

Often the reason is to be found in our own comfort zone. We simply do not want to be triggered. As long as everything goes well and we move within our demarcated terrain, we feel safe. No one can hurt us then.

Photo: Back view of a single parent with two children on a bench, in a bleak autumn forest

What happens when we feel hurt by our partner?

Emotions make one unable to relate

An example: We give our partner a poem that we wrote from the depths of our heart in love, and get back only a scornful remark. Or we tried to conjure up a lovely menu, but the meal for two is not appreciated. We feel rejected by the partner or no longer loved as soon as he or she does not behave in accordance with our idea of a loving partner. This can be associated with very painful emotions.

The question is what that does to us and how we then deal with it. It is in our hands whether we react as victims and suffer or free ourselves from the negative situation. The question is: how?

If we feel triggered and become angry, we no longer perceive the other and certainly cannot love him or her. Most of us know this. If we are trapped in a “negative” emotion, we step out of the relationship with the other person. We then only feel our own emotions and nothing of the other. Often we identify so completely with this emotion that we cannot help but act it out.

Where do these overwhelming emotions come from?

Often they are the late effects of early childhood emotional injuries that resurface through similar triggers. Emotions are not the same as feelings. We are feeling beings and feelings are therefore our essential nature. Feelings are, for example, love, bliss, gratitude — whereas emotions are usually the result of a trigger, a trauma or a misjudged situation. These include, for example, anger, sadness, worry or fear.

Causes and effects of a trauma

Triggered emotions can be very superficial and actually arise from the immediate situation, so that we can let them go again quickly on a mental level.

But very deep, old wounds can also reveal themselves, which are only superficially scarred and where even small triggers are enough to tear open these deep craters again.

The triggers themselves can be banal. They can be a sound, a smell, a situation, a particular look or words and actions of those around us — and the soul reacts. Either through emotions or even physical symptoms.

Although triggers can be insignificant, the deeply rooted injuries are not. A trigger is a stimulus that is associated with the originally traumatising situation and is evaluated by the amygdala as life‑threatening. [1] The amygdala is a part of the brain located in the limbic system. It governs emotions, in particular the generation of fear and dread.

In severe cases one speaks of post‑traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which displays physical symptoms such as

emotional flashbacks
tyrannical inner and outer critic
inability to form attachments
relationship problems
dissociation
toxic shame
social anxieties
intense feelings of loneliness and abandonment
fragile self‑esteem
hypersensitivity to stress
easily aroused fight‑or‑flight reactions
suicidal thoughts
sometimes blunted emotions,
irritability, concentration problems or startle reactions.

[2]

PTSD can also be accompanied by depression, which can involve low mood, lack of drive or even suicidal thoughts.

Not infrequently a trigger leads suddenly to behavioural changes such as withdrawal, feelings of shame or guilt, internal reproaches and self‑criticism. Flashbacks can also be triggered by triggers. Those affected are “haunted” by intense memories and the experience plays out internally again and again like a film, as if it were happening in this moment.

Often behind the trigger lies a trauma that has arisen from a deep emotional injury.

Peter Levine, the American biophysicist, psychologist, psychotraumatologist and renowned author in the field of trauma healing, describes the following circumstances as reasons for the emergence of a trauma:

fetal trauma (intra‑uterine)
birth trauma
loss of a parent or close family member
illness, high fever, accidental poisoning
physical injuries, including falls and accidents
sexual, physical and emotional abuse, including severe neglect or beatings
witnessing violence
natural disasters such as earthquakes, fires and floods
certain medical and dental procedures
surgeries
anaesthesia
prolonged immobilisation; plaster casts and splints of the legs or trunk of young children for various reasons (foot misalignments, scoliosis).

[3]

The life coach and naturopath for psychotherapy Gopal Norbert Klein summarises it like this: Suffering is always an attachment trauma or a developmental trauma, unless it is a shock trauma that can be traced directly to a clearly definable event X.

The author Pete Walker assumes this is also a societal phenomenon. He describes the complaint pattern as C‑PTSD, Complex Post‑Traumatic Stress Disorder, which arises from severe abuse, mistreatment and/or neglect in the family of origin, but also reflects social conditions. In his book “Post‑Traumatic Stress Disorder – From Surviving to a New Life” he writes sensitively about ways of healing emotional damage caused by traumatic experiences of abuse, violence and abandonment. He makes clear that these experiences can have occurred not only on a physical level but also verbally, emotionally or spiritually. Sexual abuse is particularly traumatic. When abuse has occurred on multiple levels, the severity of C‑PTSD often increases. [4]

“Trauma is an omnipresent fact of modern life. Most of us are traumatised, not only soldiers or victims of abuse or attacks. Because we are instinctive beings with the capacity to feel, respond and reflect, we fortunately have the innate potential to heal even the most severe traumatic injuries ourselves.”

Peter Levine

What forces we develop to avoid trauma

When we experience a trauma, the situation is perceived by us as life‑threatening and our body switches to survival mode.

Often enormous forces are mobilised, releasing incredible amounts of energy to initiate either fight or flight reactions. Perhaps you have already experienced this yourself. I once managed to jump 2–3 metres in a single bound when I saw a venomous snake racing towards me in the Australian bush. It is the same energy with which a slight woman can suddenly lift a tonne of steel off her son’s legs when the little boy is trapped under a car. This kind of strength is supported by a strong increase in blood flow to the muscles and the release of stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline.

We use these incredible forces within the shock reaction and even years later when a trigger catapults our body back into the perceived shock situation. Only we then use these forces not from the acute experience but from our own past experiences and memories. In this way we want to avoid the rising pain that a trigger brings, escape the situation or ignore the whole thing. We therefore no longer use our forces appropriately, but act out of the wound to avoid feeling it again.

If we become aware of this, that strength is available to us to free ourselves from negative emotions and to re‑deploy it for our creativity in life.

“Fortunately, the same immense energies that generate the symptoms of a trauma, when properly applied and mobilised, can transform the trauma and lift us to new heights of healing, mastery and even wisdom.”

Levine

Instinct‑driven reactions to emotional triggers

In principle, three forms of reaction to a traumatising experience are distinguished:

fight – reacting aggressively
flight – putting distance
freeze – pretending it cannot touch me [5]

And exactly these three reactions are familiar to many of us from intimate or friendly relationships.

When we feel triggered,

we either switch to fight and defend ourselves aggressively, or
we go to a freezing‑cold distance from the person who hurt us, or
we “play dead”, pretending that nothing happened.

The reason for these simple reaction patterns we develop when we feel attacked is our instincts. We react instinctively from our “primitive brain”, and this is not under our conscious control. When we are confronted with something we perceive as an unavoidable or overwhelming threat, we react without thinking. According to Peter Levine, reversing this behaviour is at the same time the key to healing traumatic symptoms.

How does this work and how can we mobilise our forces to enter healing? And how can we use our relationships as an opportunity for that healing?

Photo: Two pairs of hands whose fingertips only touch. One hand wears a slim ring with a gemstone

The best relationship work is work on oneself

Ways out of trauma

"A trauma is a fact of life. However, it does not have to be a lifelong sentence.

A trauma can not only be healed, but with appropriate guidance

and support can also be transformative."

Peter Levine

The renowned trauma researcher Peter Levine describes the way out of trauma as two‑phased. It is important here that you pay careful attention to your inner experience and seek professional help as soon as thoughts and emotions become too intense and seem overwhelming. It is also important that you treat yourself lovingly and do not put yourself under pressure. A place where you feel safe may help you embark on the inward exploratory journey.

Trauma healing according to Peter Levine

Levine formulates twelve steps:

Become fully aware of your physical boundaries:
The first exercise gives a sense of one’s own physical limitation. Feel how your hands touch by first gently clapping the palms together and then holding them. Levine expands this exercise to perceiving one’s own skin and body boundaries. The purpose is to feel comfortable in your own skin and notice touch, to distinguish what feels good, what supports well‑being and how that feels. This exercise, as simple as it may sound, helps greatly to train your perception and self‑love.
Grounding and centring:
When we are traumatised, we often feel unanchored or as if the ground beneath our feet is missing.
Activate resources:
People who have been traumatised can simply forget their abilities and talents. This is especially the case with early childhood attachment traumas. Even after a single traumatic experience, personal resources can be buried deep beneath defence mechanisms. Levine describes an exercise in which you can realise your inner strengths and your own power. Ask yourself, for example: What has helped you to become who you are today despite the trauma? Which inner strengths have helped you? This can be a very valuable process to become aware of strengths you may have hitherto taken for granted.
Work with felt sensing:
This means that perceptions are not only mental but actually felt on the bodily level. Felt sensing is what you feel in your body with regard to the traumatising event. This gives meaning to what you feel. By connecting with your bodily sensation you can use your instincts that are necessary for healing trauma. Direct your attention to the sensation that a trigger leaves in your body.
Feel sensations, images, thoughts and emotions in the body:
This means that when an unwanted thought arises, it is traced back into its bodily sensation. By returning to your body you can follow the effects of that thought on your bodily sensations.
Face the emotion:
This is perhaps the most interesting part of trauma healing as described by Peter Levine. Traumatised people are often locked into actions dictated by their trauma and thus narrowed in their range of responses. To dissolve this constriction, you can learn to stay with the emotion until it begins to change. It is in the nature of an emotion to change when we come into contact with it. This can often provoke fear. It may even be that you initially find the emotion unbearably intense. But usually it begins to change as soon as we have looked the tiger in the eye. At this point you may observe a pendulation between constriction and expansion in your body. This indicates that you are no longer stuck in constriction. Levine describes this process as pendulation.
Aggression:
Often traumatised people feel either nothing at all or they experience anger. Not infrequently this anger is expressed inappropriately. An important part of Levine’s trauma healing is to allow anger.
Flight impulses:
If you reacted to a threat in the past by freezing, you will most likely do so again in the future when confronted with an activating situation such as an argument or an intimate encounter. This feeling of immobility can lead to an omnipresent fear of the future. According to Peter Levine’s method you can develop a sense of how you could escape the situation in case of threat. This dissolves the fear and you no longer need to feel overwhelmed.
Develop strength rather than collapsing or defending yourself:
Many traumatised people experience the feeling of collapse in certain life situations. They interpret the situation from past experiences and react to the perceived threat. Levine maintains that strength and resilience can be trained by practising passing through stressful situations and resolving them internally.
Release frozen states:
In a trauma our response is often bound to an inability to move. We freeze in terror, even if the fright is “only” a trigger. For this freezing pattern Levine describes exercises to release it. Whether we remain “frozen and overwhelmed” or move through it is ultimately our decision. With the full use of our highly developed thinking and perceptual capacities we can consciously move ourselves out of the trauma reaction through the felt sense. This requires time and loving guidance.
Re‑enter relationships from the inside out:
When we suffer or re‑enact a trauma, we are not able to respond appropriately in that situation. We are trapped in the wound and not anchored in the present. According to Levine’s method you learn to view the world with different eyes; you may even feel the desire to engage directly in relationship. When the grip of a trauma loosens, entirely new and authentic responses appear.
Phase of integration:
When you move out of your old trauma reactions, you need tools to help you develop a new sense of presence and calm. You can do this using certain hand positions. You can use these when outdated reaction patterns try to reassert themselves, from which you have already distanced yourself but still need some security.

The aids for trauma healing described by Levine can lead to real breakthroughs. However, one should seek professional help when really rigid psychological injuries are present, and not set off on one’s own.

Books on the subject

Peter Levine, an American biophysicist, psychologist, psychotraumatologist and renowned author, is regarded as a pioneer in trauma healing:

Peter A. Levine. Freeing from Trauma - Workbook with CD

Dealing with post‑traumatic stress disorders

Pete Walker. Post‑Traumatic Stress Disorder – From Surviving to a New Life
Pete Walker. The Tao of Feelings

An interesting approach: Can trauma healing be achieved through homeopathy?

Peter Chappell. Emotional Healing with Homeopathy

Psychopharmaceuticals or not – chances and risks of pharmacological treatment – endogenous and herbal antidepressants – antidepressive nutrients and measures

Eberhard J. Wormer. Natural Antidepressants

Disclaimer

This article does not replace treatment by a qualified therapist. The basis of this contribution is studies and current literature. It must not be used for self‑diagnosis or self‑treatment. Discuss any ideas from this article with a therapist you trust, if applicable.

According to ICD‑10, the internationally recognised classification system for medical diagnoses, post‑traumatic stress disorder belongs to the category of stress‑related and somatoform disorders.