The patient presented here, C. S., is 38 years old.
Her symptom picture includes, among other things, severe headaches, which she has suffered from since she began training in transactional analysis and started undergoing psychotherapy.
"There are an awful lot of feelings stuck in my head. Throbbing pains. Worse with emotional stress and when I work on myself a lot."
She has problems with her husband, who has been infertile and impotent since an operation for prostate cancer. "We still have big problems." (C. S. would have liked to have another child).
"Anger, because he is impotent and infertile. The anger takes my breath away and hammers in my head. I always carry a residue of anger with me. My head feels hot, it pulses. Fear, most of the time I am afraid."
Medical history:
"My mother left me when I was three years old. She had always been distant and this was only reinforced by her leaving. Until I was eight I saw her regularly. Then she went abroad for 16 years and we could only see each other once a year. My mother always pretended that we had a close relationship and I wanted to believe her. I learned not to trust my own voice and to do what the 'grown-ups' told me."
"My father had an affair and my parents' relationship fell apart. My mother said she had to go to make room for my stepmother. The stepmother was very loving and attentive."
"When I was eight my stepbrother was born. I felt like an outsider, as if I were an intruder disturbing the three of them."
Feeling like an outsider – not belonging to the group.
At the age of 16: to a boarding school, many very wealthy people and "I didn't feel I belonged, I was left out."
She hated her time at university: "I didn't fit in. I got glandular fever and then left." Later, chronic fatigue syndrome. "My parents were really angry that I dropped out, but for me it just felt right."
"As a child I thought I would be OK as long as I was perfect. I can hardly bear it if my house is not perfect. My father was very achievement-oriented; praise and recognition were only given for school and music. Not just for me as a person. I was not allowed to be angry or sad. I learned to be strong and perfect. I swallowed everything and was a good, happy child. I was never told I was loved. I did not know real feelings."
SECRET – DECEIT – "I was not allowed to tell anyone that my parents were divorced and that my stepmother was not my real mother."
Constant anxieties and nightmares, always about ghosts – dark, ominous, terrible things lurking somewhere.
Dream (two weeks ago): "An evil, terrible and frightening presence in the corner of the room. I was drawn to it, possessed by it; a voice and words came out that were not mine. Terrible fear. I was forced to say and do things I did not want to do. I woke up stiff with fear – and thought something was lurking outside my bedroom door."
Dreams of plane crashes: "I watched them crash."
"I was afraid that something terrible would happen."
"Fear that my father would also leave me if I wasn't good enough. After my stepbrother was born I was afraid my father would give me away if I wasn't good enough."
"My mother now lives in this country again. We see each other, but we have very different perceptions of our relationship. I am very angry with her. I felt criticised and belittled by her. I am no longer the fearful little girl who does what her mother tells her. I have begun to assert myself."
Physical:
Many sore throats as a child.
Glandular fever and chronic fatigue syndrome.
Took the contraceptive pill for 15 years.
Since the birth of her son (in vitro) her periods have been very painful and heavy.
Headaches for four years, worse since she started psychotherapy.
Prescription
Carcinosinum 1M
Follow-up 1
The headaches and menstrual complaints have improved a lot. Feels generally better, not so suppressed. "I feel stronger, am aware of what is happening and can decide what I want to do. I have more contact with my feelings, I allow them to come to the surface and be expressed."
Dream 1: Me as a little girl and very afraid.
Dream 2: Someone is run over by a bus and dragged along and nobody notices. That person's head split open. No one except me sees that person.
"I felt like I was that person, something terrible had happened to me, no one saw my feelings. It had something to do with my mother leaving me when I was three years old.
The anger pulses in the back of my head, I can now recognise that and see the context."
"Had a very open conversation with my mother about her lack of support. It took a lot of courage because I was afraid of the consequences. I told her that my reality also counts. I was always good and did what was expected of me. It felt very powerful and strong."
"My fears are still very great – I often startle – am afraid of the dark and of a collapse. Fear of the dark – I cannot see what is there. It could be that something is lurking that I cannot see. I am afraid of a being lurking at the door that pulls me towards it. It feels like my life in which I always had to do or say things I didn't really want to."
Prescription
Carcinosinum repeated.
Follow-up 2
The complaints had already improved, but C. S. had tonsillitis. The headaches were less severe and occurred less often, but still caused her problems. PMS still present, but shorter.
THEN: The patient had an acute tonsillitis.
At Christmas there had been a lot going on: "I invited all my relatives to Christmas dinner. I spent a lot of time on the preparations and was angry that I had to do the work while the others had fun. I was angry because the stepchildren misbehaved. I felt unheard, was frustrated and angry. I felt completely alone and desperate. I felt excluded by my son. I had the feeling he didn't even hear me."
Consumed by this feeling – knows this feeling very well.
Black hole of despair – like a narrow, deep gorge – dark. Fear – alone – cannot see what is above (hand gesture). Very unhappy.
"I am small and I am not well. What have I done to end up at this point? How do I get out of here? Where is everyone? There is light up there, but it is very far away. I cannot look over the edge of the gorge. It is dark and gloomy, but not pitch black. I cannot see the sun. I feel deeply desperate – miserable – alone – afraid – worthless – unimportant – unnoticed – what is the meaning of life?"
"In adolescence I had suicidal thoughts, but did not act on them. My life was so awful. I felt I only caused problems for everyone. I felt terrible. It would be better if I were not here."
"My mother disappeared suddenly when I was three years old. My father only reinforced my feelings of being alone and abandoned; I did not feel acknowledged. My father never showed feelings."
Very isolated – SECRET – not being who you are – had to pretend that my stepmother was my real mother. "I learned not to trust my feelings. When my brother was born – isolation – the three of them together – I always reminded them that my father had been married before. I had all these feelings that I was not allowed to have – they should actually go away – I should actually go away. I was never valued for myself – always only for my school achievements. I was never told I was loved."
Dreams – very, very terrifying:
- "My mother was so angry that she took a kitchen knife in her hand, first stabbed at the chairs and then into her own back. I saw the blood pour out of her. I was very frightened and didn't know what to do."
- "I was on my way to school. I was abducted by a satanic sect and was to be exhibited. I was raped, but then woke up. Many people came. The man who did it to me had a strange tongue with a red emblem on it. It was very terrifying."
Prescription
Thulium fluoratum 1M
Follow-up 3
"I have worked a lot on myself. I feel I have penetrated the part of me that believes I must not exist. It goes very deep. The process was very painful, but also okay."
"The deep-seated right to exist of the child. Not to exist for my mother. I tried to compensate by being perfect and emotionally strong. It was a survival strategy I adopted as a child. I no longer need that. I have realised that I always did what others expected of me, but never what I wanted to do. I will now pay more attention to what I myself want. It feels very liberating and wonderful."
"I met a former colleague – my heart felt warm – joie de vivre – fantastic, overwhelming, a great feeling. I had never felt this joie de vivre before. It makes me sad that I never felt it before. It gave me the feeling of being important. Someone (the colleague) remembered me – I don't just disappear when I go away."
Much has changed since taking the remedy.
"I have come to terms with the fact that my mother is not the mother I would have liked, but I can accept her as she is. Shock, longing and searching, also in my dreams. I realised that my longing for former friends has something to do with attachment, with the search for the lost love, i.e. my mother."
DREAMS: very vivid and terrible.
"I am on my way to a business meeting and I am in a lift. I walk up to someone to shake their hand and fall as if I were drunk. The lift is defective and begins to fall. The safety mechanism engages, then fails again. I am going to die. I am absolutely certain I will die, that I cannot do anything about it and that it is just happening now. Couldn't come to terms with the end and changed in the dream to a funfair. The Ferris wheel whirls me around and I have difficulty holding on. I feel sick, I let go and wake up. I let this crazy carousel of my life go. I was afraid of dying. Letting go, everything is out of control, relief – I didn't die."
"Death = non-existence. Cried because I am not doing what I want but what others expect of me; it felt heavy, but I can feel that I am still here and that everything is okay."
"I have changed noticeably. It feels warm! I have found my joie de vivre. I am glad that I am the way I am and make decisions that are right for me and not for others."
"I want everything pink – even my face! I now wear different clothes – many strong colours and lots of pink!"
The period was initially shorter and heavier, then improved. PMS significantly weaker. No headaches.
(See also: 'Secret Lanthanides')
This patient is on a search for herself. Her psychotherapeutic training and her own psychotherapy have enabled this journey.
She has large eyes and suffers from terrible headaches. She feels alone and like an outsider. As a child she felt abandoned, first by her mother, then by her father as well. Secrets, evil, darkness and possession are themes. To survive she had to give up her autonomy and herself. Despair, black hole, dark gorge. Sexual abuse in a satanic sect. The patient continues to do very well on this remedy.
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Category: Remedy
Keywords: Thulium fluoratum, outsider, Carcinosinum, child's right to exist.
Source: http://www.interhomeopathy.org/thulium_fluoratum_case
