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Dream 1: I was hovering above the ground. It was so easy to fly. I saw writer friends below me who also wanted to fly. I told them all they had to do was stand by a mast to keep their balance, and then they just had to take off. When you hover, you use the mast, but you learn over time that you don’t need it.
Dream 2: A group of warriors, like the Tutsi, came – like in the film and the book “Hotel Rwanda”. I was protecting the people. Then the scene shifted and I was on the sinking Titanic. I tried to help people. I tried to help a child, but then I realised it had already drowned. Oh, we are all already dead, underwater, and just don’t notice. The treasurer stood there: “We are going into eternity, you and I. You are already dead.” Then I saw that he [the child] was still moving. There was still hope. I grabbed the child and persuaded it it had to come with me, and we climbed up a mast. We reached the top, and there was another mast. And I said: “We must get up that mast!”
And we climbed out of the ship. I jumped over to the mast, pulled it as close to me as I could, and climbed to the top; then I worked through a hole in the deck and soon stood on the deck; and then I began to pull people up. I pulled a lot of people through the hole onto the deck. There was a dark, Arabic-looking man whom I had pulled through, and I said to him: “You are responsible for these people, because I have made all these efforts and pulled them through the hole.” I don’t want them to lie there on top of each other, suffocating. Seat them upright while I try to find out what we can do next!” Then I find out that we must all go into the water. That is best for us. They will pull us out there. The water is not too cold, there are no sharks. The dream ends here. We are dealing with huge masses of people.
What was the feeling in the dream?
I felt obligated, I owed it to them. I felt relief when I could crawl through the hole because I wouldn’t be trapped in the Titanic forever. I was entirely in my linear, planning mind. It was more thinking than feeling.
My daughter Peggy is involved with a young man who is very much like me; he is a thinker. She is unsure whether the relationship will be long-term. She and my husband Rich say that she is more from the feeling side, whereas her boyfriend Guy thinks like me. Fascinating that one can approach the world through one’s feelings; I don’t. That’s what your question was about.
At that moment I was entirely in the situation, pulling people out, and I was unaware of any feeling. Only when I have got everyone out can I have feelings. They do things while they have feelings. I separate the two. I have no feelings at such a moment. I’m tired and sensitive... to loud noises, rapid movements and I have high expectations of myself. I feel very young and like a newborn. “Just let me relax and start the new day!”
Young and like a newborn?
Yes, that has come out now. I am very sensitive the morning after ... I don’t know what is coming, and all I know is that I just had this intense dream.
Peggy asked me to help her scrape the ice off her car windscreen. She is moody ... it had the same energy as domestic abuse, the same energy field. She finds it OK to be bitchy to me because she can’t get this thing to work smoothly, then she calls me and apologises. I am still her lightning conductor.
I tidied a box and found my baby album. Apparently I was quite cheerful and extrovert between 18 months and two years. I learned quickly and could use scissors early [HG (2): scissor movement] and to glue, and at one I spoke English and Italian. Amazing! The strange thing was that my mother spoke of me in the third person. She kept her distance [HG: pushing away]. As if she were describing a scientific experiment. “The subject can now walk.”
When I realised I had not paid my quarterly tax I panicked; I was sweating and felt sick. In my panic I alternately froze and sweated and developed diarrhoea. Fight or flight ... as if Freddy [Krueger] were at the door with his chainsaw! I am trapped in it. I believe I am endowed with this dynamic. I must carry this (emotional) burden. I had been excited for two weeks. This is an upsurge, a counter-reaction, but I am not sure I can do it. I have never experienced being SURE that THIS IS RIGHT. Writing youth novels unites EVERYTHING I AM. It brings my interest in physics, science and psychology together with my desire to be a writer and to run a course. I could do that, I could offer such courses. I have always had a good rapport with young people. I write historical novels because I love history. I can do this here [HG]. Feels good – really good. Then a part of me thinks, “this can’t be true,” and I pull back.
Do you have the feeling that everything is coming together?
A KNOWING, a mental-physical knowing, that everything leads there. I have thought about J. K. Rowling, and (that) she has almost rewritten the history of England. She knows the Celts ... that is why Harry Potter is so popular. You know what? I know a lot about the world. I feel it in my fingertips, why Africa is linked to Saudi Arabia, to Asia and Australia. I would like to share that with others. That appeals to me. These books will prevail, because each character represents one of the major religions. I don’t want to lecture anyone, but I want to participate. “This is how everyone is: recognise the commonalities!” [HG] We are all the same. There it is published. College prepared me for it, and in my lectures I note such discoveries - that nourishes ... All these themes come up, and I stand at the centre [broad HG]. It is like a great cloak, and I sweep everything together into one thing.
Inner experience?
It feels GOLDEN AND YELLOW AND STRONG. POWER! I am in my centre. In the centre of an atom, and all that comes out, electricity, or whatever [HG]. In my meditation an image appears where I can see the swirling electric lines of light around me, and then I am there and go into it. Yes, I am now the centre of the atom, the centre of this thing, and it is in there. It is like a heartbeat, a thump-thump-thump [HG heartbeat]. But a very strong... [HG stronger heartbeat].
I am fed through tubes ... it feels sacred. Many emotions, I have to endure that. I am wired to all my past lives, and to everything I have done in this life. I have discovered how to open the valves, and now it all flows into me. It is about a terrible time! All valves open and everything flows to me. Then I stir it, mix it, and spike it out again through a valve. It feels as if I stand in the middle of it and remember. Much remembering and recognising, recognising again. All these tunnels and tubes feed me with it [HG]. It is as if I have access to all my knowledge. And that is good.
The exact opposite of that?
The lights are off, all doors are closed. And I am in this amoeba, [HG] and it is happening out there. A transparent plastic bubble, a placenta. A membrane, I am alone inside. All I want is outside, but I cannot work out how to get through the membrane out.
Tell me more dreams?
Dream 3: I am at home in my childhood house. The floor cracks open. A woman is with me; she says it is sinking because it is raining so hard. I say: “No, it is literally broken. It is breaking, and if we want to get out of here we must go now!”... When the floor broke up [HG], that was a warning sign...
Dream 4: I am back in the house I now live in. The door is off its hinges.
Peggy’s friends - a man and a woman, they are really lovely - but they were not really. It is somehow this sentence, when I think of this sentence, that everything is ONE (the names merge together, as if it were one name). They are there in the living room, I have to get dressed, but the clothes are in the other bedroom, I must quickly go into that other room. A mouse, a triangle. The door is off its hinges, there are no more boundaries to my inner self.
The mouse is frightened, it constantly sniffs whether everything is OK, it is fearful. That fits with my concerns about the ledger, and whether Rich and I will find a way forward after his affair. He sent her a friendly birthday card, and I overreacted. It is as if I wait for the trap to snap. Putting my clothes on refers to this new identity I am now taking on. I must work through that.
The earth opens and breaks, changes, folds – it is dramatic. This house will never be there again, it will transform, and it is time to go. And I left it for good. It felt good to finally leave the house I grew up in.
I would have to cross the street to hide in the neighbour’s house, a refuge. A beautiful place.
I had very intense dreams, and when I woke I was still very much under their influence. And I thought: “If you have something to tell me, subconscious, then do it in a gentler way!” So I began to wake more calmly and pleasantly. I no longer wake up from Armageddon. I feel more rested.
To my family of origin I must say: “You have no power over me anymore. I tell them to mind their own business. But then the fear comes: Who am I? Who would I be if I fully owned it, if I earned more money than Rich? Or if I were someone like - hey, I could be J. K. Rowling! That could be. Would that be the end of the world? A part of me thinks I mustn’t. I want to find out why I mustn’t.
Free imagination exercise. Forget yourself ... how would the end of the world look? How would Armageddon look?
The authorities would scream. I would be ashamed. We could not pay our bills, and ... I don’t think we would be thrown out of our house, we have enough money. [This is spontaneous denial]. But people would be very disappointed in me. They would point fingers at me, and I would be embarrassed because I had not done my work. I would feel trapped. I feel the tears rising in me. I was trapped in the Catholic school I attended. How terrible that was; the nuns abused us.
Once I forgot my pencil on my desk and had to pay a five-cent piece to get it back. But I didn’t have a five-cent piece. [Shows a lot of feeling.] So I asked my mother for a five-cent piece; she totally flipped out and wrote a devastating letter to the headmaster which I had to deliver; I had not thought the headmaster would take it out on me.
I was taken out of class and publicly humiliated in front of the class. The teacher shook me until my teeth rattled in my head. They really rattled! I remember I was completely beside myself and thought: “Oh, your teeth really rattle in your head when they are shaken enough!” She shouted at me, and I wondered:
“Oh - is this all because of a five-cent piece and a pencil?”... I had been totally humiliated because I had not put my pencil away when we went to lunch. As if there were a mark on my name that I would cause trouble. It was not my fault that this anger had occurred, my mother had set the whole thing off! For years I feared being taken out of class and humiliated, and that is connected to my fear of the tax office, and to having forgotten to make the tax payment due in September. That is Armageddon for me.
What is Armageddon? Abstract, independent of you and your history?
It is the destruction of everything. We all flicker into nothingness. Nothing was, nothing exists. It is the reversal of the Big Bang [HG]. It just goes Boom! Bing! And it is over.
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Case Analysis
First we must understand Pam... The first dream tells us that she feels chosen, equipped with abilities others do not have. It is a place of trust. The first dream gives us the dimension of height, with the polarities of up and down, but the only structure is a mast.
In Dream 2 the motif of the mast appears again, but now there is an elaborate structure and a more differentiated dramatic action. At the beginning there is a battle with warriors: this indicates the possibility of a metallic element. The mast is the central support of a ship, and there is a struggle for life and death to get through the hole onto the deck. This recalls the birth process, and points to an element from the second series of the periodic table, the carbon series. Even for a dream, the appearance of the treasurer is misplaced and odd. The dictionary defines the “treasurer” as a person who administers the financial affairs of a college or university. The fact that responsibility for other people is placed on the dark man shows that the metal aspect involves themes such as authority. Other important words in the dream are eternity, death and suffocation.
Pam describes her separation of feeling and action, and that access to her feelings in the moment does not come easily. This is a general expression of the mineral kingdom. The peculiarity lies in how clearly she expresses it.
When Pam states: “I feel young and like a newborn!” she thereby indicates that another element of the second series (carbon series) plays a role. The theme of abuse belongs to oxygen. After expulsion from the womb and the birth canal the newborn needs one thing more than anything: oxygen! And potentiated oxygen feels rejected, pushed away and must fend for itself. Pam says her mother was distant and viewed her as remote: “The subject can now walk.” Now we can better understand the meaning of “suffocation” in Dream 2, because suffocation involves lack of oxygen.
But which metal is the remedy? Pam goes directly to the source of her inner experience: “It feels GOLDEN AND YELLOW AND NOBLE AND STRONG. POWER, STRENGTH! I am in the middle, in the centre of an atom, and all things come out, electric lines, or whatever [HG]. In my meditation an image comes where I can see the swirling electric lines of light around me, and then I am there and go into it. Yes, I am now the centre of the atom, the centre of this thing, and it was connected. It is almost like a heartbeat a bum-bum-bum [HG: expansion of the heart]. But a very exalted...”
Now we can be sure that we need an element from the gold series, the sixth series. Her description of the inside of an atom reflects her own self-awareness, her own challenge in self-realisation. The drive to update and manifest one’s inner power is fulfilled by the potentiation of elements from the lanthanide series, which belong to the gold series.
The lanthanides relate to our inner knowledge, to self-control through self-knowledge (see final remark 2). Now we can also better understand the dream figure of the treasurer; the treasurer ... a controlling figure at the university!
But which lanthanide? She identifies with J.K. Rowling, perhaps the most successful youth-book author of all time. This brings us to stage 10, Gadolinium.
Pam is influenced by the dreams: she tries to control her subconscious (a lanthanide theme) so that it cannot disturb her awakening. A newborn (series two) needs a gentle transition from sleep to waking.
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- Delusions, imagination: being greater
- Delusions: of powerful energy
- Dreams: of heights
- Alienation: from family
- Anxiety: panic attacks, overwhelming
While Oxygen feels cast out and pushed away, Hydrogen feels so utterly unsupported that it is not even noticed. Hydrogen is a good remedy for panic attacks. Hydrogen mirrors the world of matter in its simplest, least differentiated and therefore most unitary state. The element hydrogen has atomic number and weight ONE, exemplary for a state of unity.
Since she is very comfortable and likes to work with her dreams, her level of experience (according to Rajan Sankaran’s approach) is the “4th level” or the “level of delusions”. This corresponds to a potency of 1M or Q7. For reasons I can no longer remember, I gave her Q5.
Prescription: Gadolinium hydroxydatum Q5 (noetic remedy - see final remark 3)
Follow-up (27 May 2011)
I REALLY feel well, I have a good place and am grateful for the work we have done. More than that, I am happy. It is really wonderful! I woke up thinking about how much I have to do, and that I am a little behind, but I feel so much happiness and joy. “Yes, I can do this!” This is a lovely place, I like it here, between near and far, it just fits. Four to five mornings a week – and it is growing, I am content, a really nice feeling.
Four nights earlier I had a fantastic dream in which I finished my studies. I had the exam behind me and had emptied my locker. Everything was done, finished. I walked away from the school, and I decided I didn’t need all the stuff, I would take only a few books and a few boxes. Wow, it feels as if I were entering a new phase in which I must find out who I am. It feels really good, and exciting.
Wow. When I think back to this time a year ago... wow, that was a year in which a lot changed. It surprises me completely. It is not all resolved yet, but I think I possess wisdom, and I want to share that with others. Here is the wisdom [HG]. You can do what you want with it, but I want nothing to do with whether they use it or not. I bring you the present. It is different from other addicts ... more separation than distance. I stand with both feet on the ground. I feel really comfortable in my place.
I am glad I am moving forward. It is like graduating. Two friends of ours: one is a “New Age” type, a bit dreamy, the other is rather stable, a businesswoman ... I am always on the ball, I drive things forward, I am more radical. Peggy says: “No, Mum, you don’t fit any mould!” At first I didn’t feel comfortable with that. But now I own it, and I am glad. I am not yet 100% integrated, but I feel much better about it.
Yes, I have done my work, I have found my wisdom; yes, I do not fit any mould, and that is fine, because everyone has their own way. Wow, what a journey! Thank you. I have really blossomed.
Peggy is 27 years old and works with children. She suffers from itching of the scalp and asks me to comb her hair to check for lice. I would never have done that with my mother; she would have given me a scolding sermon, punished me and made fun of me. My mother would never have comforted me. Isn’t it wonderful that Peggy at 27 can come to me and say: “I would like you to comb my hair! I would feel safer [HG] if you could check my hair for lice.” Wow, that is cool! I have broken the chain of abuse between my mother and her mother and her grandmother – and now my daughter can feel comfortable with me and be vulnerable, and ask me to check whether she has lice. I am getting old...
I have started guided writing. If others can do that, then I can too. Writing down what is in my head. Now there are 10 or 15 scenes. I am writing three books at once. There is no judgement. Whatever scenes come .... I know the hero’s journey so well; it is the hardest ordeal between the characters. The theme is that all religions have commonalities, that all is one. They discover the red thread that runs through, and that everything is one. But there are overlaps. The book addresses all my aspects. [The characters] reveal some truths: string theory, time travel, transition to parallel universes.
I know I possess a wealth of knowledge. I know what I am doing, and trust that I don’t have to understand it.
I close my eyes and visualise the scene – and begin to write.
How does this differ from your earlier way of writing?
It is more vivid. I only had that earlier in a few moments. It was rare and very sparse. I never finished the old book ... I couldn’t manage it ... I had about 15 such scenes, but I couldn’t join them together and struggled to make the scenes logically fit.
I did a ceremony to dissolve my writer’s block by actualising myself. What came up was a memory of earlier, when we lived in ------. We lived in a two-storey house with dormer windows. My brother and sister threw me out of the dormer window. That is what rose from inside me. It was not just: “I can’t believe it, because I could have died.” It happened when I was 4 years old, I could literally [have died]. I represented everything that had gone wrong in that family. Their solution was to throw me out of the window onto the dormer. I saw myself hammering at the window with my little white hand.
How did you feel then?
Absolute panic, fear. [A siren sounds in the background, outside my office.] I sometimes had blackouts. I grabbed myself and hammered at the window to be let back in. There I stood, betrayed. I understood nothing, was completely bewildered – “What did I do?” “Why? Did they want me to die?” Worse: “You are cast out!” The feeling was that I had been thrown away. An incredible feeling of nausea, I vomited and vomited and vomited. Cried even more. That has been energetically in me all the time. I have tried for years to get rid of it. Now I have spat it out, set it out of me. Now I see that I could not self-actualise because my 3-year-old self feared being thrown out of the window.
It seems to me as if you really “passed the test”.
Thank you. I am so grateful to you for 1) being available, and 2) sharing all your wisdom with me, and for the remedies.
Each remedy was exactly what I needed at that time. I never expected we would find the perfect remedy. I don’t think I would have been ready for this remedy at the beginning. It would have been like cleaning the chakras with a pot scouring pad. You would never do that. They would be polished smooth. To start with this remedy at our first meeting would have been wrong. It would have been like listening to classical music when you have never heard any music. I would not have been ready for it. At each new appointment something was revealed again until we reached this remedy, until I knew what to do with it. I think everything fit perfectly with what I needed at the time. Thank you!
Doug Brown lives and practises in Portland, Oregon
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Photos:
DiaryandPen©Minerva Studio - www.shutterstock.com
HydrogenExplosion©Elena Schweitzer - www.shutterstock.com
This article was published at www.interhomeopathy.org
Final remarks:
1. All names have been changed.
2. Scholten, Jan, Secret Lanthanides. Stichting Alonnissos, Utrecht. 2005.
3. A brief description of the noetic remedies see the “Discussion” section in my article: Snakes in My Bed: A Case of Funiculus umbilicus humanum (Snakes in My Bed: a case of Funiculus umbilicalis humanum (human umbilical cord), Interhomeopathy, February 2012) at: www.interhomeopathy.org/snakes-in-my-bed-a-case-of-funiculus-umbilicus-humanum. Gadolinium hydroxydatum is now available from Remedia.
Category: Cases
Keywords: childhood trauma, newborn, unity, eternity, annihilation, panic, power
Remedy: Gadolinium hydroxydatum
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