by Julie Geraghty
A 45-year-old woman comes to see me for anxiety disorders and depression. She is an unusual-looking woman – slim and neatly dressed with long, glossy black hair.
Patient (P): My father always made me feel I would amount to nothing. He often said I would later be a single mother living off the state. I’m getting married next year, but every time I think about it I panic. I’m in a happy relationship for the first time in my life. I now regret staying so long in unhappy relationships. I’m not very strong, naturally very insecure. My father did a lot of damage to me.
I can’t provide for my children
Julia Geraghty (JG): Describe your relationship with your father.
P: I’m the youngest of seven siblings and am incredibly close to my mother. My father always humiliated me. My sisters became pregnant at 18. I know I would be a good mother, but the mere thought terrifies me. I panic. I was once pregnant, but my relationship with the baby’s father was so unhappy that I had an abortion. I was so miserable… how could I have had a baby under those circumstances? It wouldn’t have been happy. Maybe I could have managed, but at the time I thought I had nothing to offer. I couldn’t cope on my own with children and bring them up. I always believed everything had to be perfect before having children.
Arguments at home
P: My parents were always arguing. We never had enough to eat and were always hungry. My friends had nice things and lived in lovely houses, but we never had new things. I can’t remember happy times. My father died at 57 from a heart attack. I didn’t cry… I never felt I had a real father. He favoured my two brothers; they got bicycles at Christmas and we only got colouring books.
Sexual abuse
P: I’m very close to my mother; I can’t imagine life without her. That’s another reason I’d like to have a baby (cries), but the thought frightens me. As a child I clung to her skirt and wouldn’t leave her side. I couldn’t shake off the feeling that something sexual would happen if I were alone with my father. I was petrified with fear. My older sister was sexually abused. My mother and I were protected by my elder brother.
At school I was very popular and had many friends, but I lied a lot because I was so ashamed. I always thought people judged me. I was so insecure, I always wanted to be someone else. I had seen how my friends lived. They had a nice home, were hugged and praised by their parents. I wished I’d had that as a child. We didn’t even have a carpet at home, only worn and torn lino. I lived abroad for five years in a very unhealthy, controlling relationship, but at the time I thought it was normal.
Domestic violence
JG: Describe this controlling relationship.
P: Not being allowed to do what you want. Violent. He thought a woman belonged in the kitchen. They are always so nice at the beginning, it’s the perfect relationship. He even told me what clothes I should wear. At first I thought he was helping me, but then I became incredibly unhappy. Once he threw me down the stairs; I had a black eye. He often humiliated me. He was very materialistic: new cars, new designer clothes; in the end my friends said I was just like him. Eventually I told him to move out and stood my ground. I gave him all my savings so he would leave. Everyone told me I’d been very brave.
Travel and freedom
P: I work in advertising and travel a lot. I couldn’t work in an office – it wouldn’t suit me. I love travelling passionately; I love the feeling of freedom. But many only think about the last project. You walk on eggshells, always trying to please everyone, trying to make a good impression so you get new commissions. My best project was with Angelina Jolie. We toured the country doing the promo for the Lara Croft film. My work gives me confidence. When you work with the best people in the business, it’s a real high.
I feel judged; I’m ashamed of being considered ‘common’
P: I’ve been with my current boyfriend for three years; he is a wonderful man. He wants to marry me and we’ve already set a date, but when I think about it panic rises in me. All that attention… everyone will stare at me. It’s the same feeling as an interview for a new job. Everyone has to stand up and talk about themselves. I then feel evaluated, that they judge me on how I speak and how I look. I’ve lost work because I messed up interviews. I could have done the actual job with ease.
When I think about the wedding I have the same feeling. I’m afraid I’ll faint or get ill just before the ceremony. At Christmas I will meet my partner’s family; that worries me. I’ve never seen them. I hate sitting at a table with everyone; as children we never did that. I’m frightened someone will ask me a question I can’t answer well. I always feel everyone is better than me. What will I say when they ask what I do for a living? Shall I say I’m a sales assistant? I’m afraid they’ll get a bad impression of me. Even my surname embarrasses me; it’s so ordinary. As a child I had nothing and I longed so much for nice things.
Dreams of cats and rats
JG: Do you dream?
P: As a child I often dreamed of rats. In the dream I walk up the stairs. At the top stands a woman who isn’t very nice, more like a witch. At her feet little kittens frolic that turn into rats. I wanted to pick up and stroke the kittens, but suddenly the rats clung to me (gesture). They were huge, really horrible. In my mid-thirties I dreamed of rats on my duvet. I hate rats; they’re dirty and spread disease and death. I’m actually very fond of animals; I would have liked to be a vet.
Protected and cared for
Recently the patient had a dream:
P: In the dream my boyfriend kept humiliating me in front of my friends and family. He wasn’t protecting me but the other person. Or perhaps he was flirting with someone else. Normally he’s very protective of me. In another dream I was wearing my wedding dress; everyone was there. My husband stood on the dance floor waiting for me; it was a wonderful dream, everything perfect.
Controlling, unhealthy relationships
JG: What was the worst time in your adult life?
P: After I split from my boyfriend I became very thin. I would have done anything to get back to him, to be controlled by him. Before the breakup I had been so unhappy; I just wanted to go home. But when I was home again I desperately wanted to go back to him. What he always told me came true: if I stood up to him I was a bad person. I was trapped in paradise, completely under his control. But I won’t become what they want; therefore they are relieved when they get rid of me. I didn’t give in; I didn’t want to be the typical woman. I’m very insecure, so I like controlling relationships because I feel so loved then. But I became strong and learned to assert myself.
I drank a lot, got angry with myself and argued with my boyfriend. I drank until I passed out. It gives you the feeling of being omnipotent, able to do anything, but the next day you’re insecure again and feel stuck in the relationship. It became a real pattern: first I want out, out, out, and when I’m actually out I want to go back to them.
Materialism
P: My first serious relationship broke my heart. I had an interview with him; he was much older than me. He was rich and showered me with gifts. We dined in the best restaurants and travelled the world, but I couldn’t cope with it. It was like a dream, but he demanded things of me I didn’t want to do. He wanted me to leave my family.
Trapped
P: Every time I met someone it was as if they wanted to trap me (makes a grabbing gesture), or perhaps I threw myself into it. They wanted to hide me, they didn’t want to share me with anyone.
Prescription: At first I considered a remedy from the mineral kingdom because the patient was so insecure and so dependent in her relationships. I gave her Potassium fluoride C200, but it showed no effect.
Follow-up six weeks later
Responsibility for a family
P: Most of the time I feel very negative. I’m constantly thinking about the baby thing. Every day I’m close to tears. I do the exact opposite of what one normally does in a relationship. I behave childishly and am afraid of responsibility. I live my life as if it were all fun and games. I made many wrong decisions in the past and living with that guilt eats me up. Why did I have to be 44 to have a good relationship? I never committed; I just had fun with my friends. I was never in love enough to want to have children with the men. How can it be that I was so negative back then and now desire it so much?
Not enough food on the table
P: I was always so afraid of having to fend for myself as a single mother. Because I had so little as a child I couldn’t bear the thought of not being able to give my own child anything. The very thought of being pregnant triggered panic; I felt my life would be over. A child would mean too much responsibility – I’d seen what it was like for my mother with seven children. The feeling of not having a partner to support me, the fear of not bonding with the child… I couldn’t have risked it; what would people have thought of me? They would have thought me weak. Sometimes I wonder whether my mother suffered from depression? She wasn’t a loving mother and never hugged us. It was always about making sure there was enough food on the table.
The relationship with my last boyfriend was perfect at first. We both had good jobs and smart cars. Why couldn’t I see it through? I could have had children. My life was so empty. Within six months I became pregnant and didn’t know what to do. He told me to keep the baby; he didn’t pressure me. I had the pregnancy terminated. He never blamed me, but everything went wrong afterwards. It destroyed our love. It still gnaws at me. I tried to suppress it, but the whole guilt hit me full force. I drank a lot. He lost respect for me.
Prescription: There is so much grief and guilt in this patient that I tried Sodium fluoride C200.
Follow-up six weeks later
Panic and palpitations
P: I had an interview; my mouth was like cotton. I was afraid of fainting, I couldn’t speak and my heart was racing so fast I thought it would leap out of my chest. Previously I tried to avoid these interviews; now I have to go because I need the money. I hate standing there and talking about myself, who I am and where I come from. I’m there with other people I don’t know and always feel they look down on me. I’d like to tell them that I’m just as good as they are.
Dream of a fight over a house
Dream: I had a beautiful house and was convinced it was mine. I saw a woman lying in bed and thought my boyfriend was cheating on me. I asked her what she was doing in my bed. Then a man came into the room and they both shouted at me to go away. I told them it was my house. Then I fought them – the woman, her boyfriend and another friend of hers. Three against one. She pulled my hair and suddenly I had broken my leg. I tried to get rid of them all. I pretended my leg wasn’t broken and walked to the emergency department so they wouldn’t put a cast on me. The hospital was very posh; the people I fought were also very well dressed.
Dreams of fighting; I am overwhelmed.
P: I have dreams where I try to scream but someone covers my mouth with one hand while another pulls me by the legs. In the dream I scream loudly, but my boyfriend says I squeak like a mouse in my sleep. I struggle with all my might against them, but they hold me down; I can’t breathe and I try to tear away the hand that’s covering my mouth.
Analysis
Animal kingdom
From these dreams it became clear to me that the patient needed a remedy from the animal kingdom. She defends her territory; it’s an ‘me-against-you’ dynamic. She becomes overwhelmed, the others outnumber her. It’s a victim, a ‘prey’ type. The patient feels weak, inferior, humiliated and controlled. But which animal exactly is involved here?
‘Trapped’ in the bird kingdom
I began to research my notes again for vivid descriptions. She speaks of men wanting to ‘capture’ her and feels ‘trapped in paradise’. The feeling of being ‘trapped’ is an important sensation in patients who need a bird remedy. Think of a bird sitting in a cage, though its nature is to fly freely through the air.
Poor circumstances
At a seminar on bird remedies Peter Fraser spoke about Passer domesticus, the common house sparrow, and compared it to Eliza Doolittle from My Fair Lady: she is attractive and quarrelsome, but common. She comes from poor circumstances.
Feels ‘ordinary’, lack of resources, domestic arguments
Self-worth, the intrinsic value of a person, is a central theme of Passer domesticus. My patient struggled with this; she felt devalued and had a need to let everyone know she was as worthy as anyone else. She hated being introduced to people because her surname was ‘so ordinary’. Her description of domestic arguments also fits this remedy well. ‘Sparrow’ patients often dream of violence. Family, security and the protection of a sheltered home are important themes. They like to dress well and neatly, yet you sense the lack of resources and the effort it takes them to make ends meet (having enough to put on the table).
Prescription: Passer domesticus C200
Follow-ups eight weeks later
I face my fears and show my true self.
P: I went to an interview and got the job. I feel so much better. I even had lunch with my boss. I faced my fears and it felt really good; I was very relaxed. You could see it.
After taking the remedy I felt quite bad for four days. It was as if a dark cloud had come over me. Then it slowly cleared.
I feel much better. Sometimes I still panic about the wedding, but for the first time I’m also looking forward to it. I now view the baby issue more realistically. If it happens, it happens; if not, then not.
My mother isn’t very well, but I can cope. I’m not so angry with her now and have more understanding for her situation. I go shopping with her every week. Previously I always felt bad about it, I dreaded it and wanted to scream. My mother is really difficult, but now I can sit with her and have a conversation.
Analysis
Interestingly the patient has become more realistic about her relationship with her mother. She recognises her own anger and frustration. The remedy worked well; after the initial aggravation a deep improvement followed. I asked her about her attitude to animals:
P: I love animals and would have liked to be a vet. I used to like dogs; now I’m more of a cat person. I just don’t like rats; I can’t even look at them. But I wouldn’t hurt them. If I see animals being mistreated or neglected it brings me to tears. My brother keeps birds – owls and hawks – he’s always had a passion for birds. I know a lot about birds; I know most by name. Birds should never be caged; they must be free, they must fly (gesture). It’s not right to cage birds, I would always set them free.
It’s interesting to note that Peter Fraser (Birds in Homoeopathy – Freedom in the Air) writes that people who need Passer domesticus often have a very close relationship with cats.
Two months later:
Cystitis, old symptoms recur.
P: I’d just had my hen weekend in Spain. I had a severe bladder infection; the heat was unbearable. I’ve suffered from bladder infections for many years. I didn’t have the remedy with me and only took it when I got home. It was incredible! Within a few hours I felt much better. In Spain I stayed alone on the 24th floor of a hotel. At home you just feel safer. My boyfriend didn’t want me to go to Spain. I felt guilty about it. For the first time he was jealous but he apologised. With the bladder infection you feel as if something is being forced into you; it burns when you pee. Only a drop comes out and then the sensation spreads through your whole body (gesture), like a hot flush running up your back to your head. I had my first bladder infection at 17, after I first had sex. It felt like I was peeing fire. I wasn’t ready for sex then, couldn’t relax and wasn’t in love with him. I thought I had to do it and gave in.
Rising above it
P: My partner says I’ve become much calmer. I used to be very irritable and quarrelsome; I couldn’t control it. Now I can rise above it (gesture). I smile a lot. I’m excited about the wedding, but only a little nervous at the thought of walking down the aisle. My biggest worry is my mother. I can’t bring her to church that day and yet I always help her.
Five weeks later, after the wedding:
Birds kept in cages – a capital crime
P: The wedding was wonderful. I wasn’t nervous at all and enjoyed every minute. I had never been so happy. I don’t think about children anymore; I trust that it will happen if it’s meant to. I would like to work with animals, but not as a veterinary nurse – I couldn’t bear it. Animals are operated on there. I don’t like zoos and caged animals, especially caged birds. I cry every time I see birds in cages. It’s a capital crime how they sit in their prison. My brother has a hawk that he keeps on a chain. I’d like to volunteer to work with animals. There’s an animal emergency centre near us where people bring animals they can no longer feed.
The remedy helps me every time I’m ill; it works incredibly quickly, within 24 hours I feel better again.
Six weeks later:
I feel strong and satisfied with my life.
P: I feel so strong; I’m really happy with my life. I sleep well and wake up content and happy – for the first time in my life. I have made peace with my desire to have children. I would be pleased if it happens. It wouldn’t be the end of the world if I can’t have children. When I first came to you I could have cried all the time.
The remedy helps every time a bladder infection is coming on. Once it also helped with diarrhoea. I feel so much better than a year ago. It’s incredible.
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Photos: shutterstock.com © ileana_bt, shutterstock.com © Goodluz, shutterstock.com 181775213 © John A. Anderson
Category: Cases
Keywords: cystitis, panic, poor, ‘ordinary’, materialistic, rich, lack, poverty, providing for the family, unhealthy relationships, fight, arguments, conflict, attachment, responsibility, trapped, caged birds, rising above it, feeling judged, worthless.
Remedy: Passer domesticus