Healing the Mother–Daughter Relationship: a Cygnus cygnus Case

In my practice I treat many patients with depression. Often these people have dramatic life stories and speak of severe abuse or great neglect. Trauma and personal tragedies leave scars in a person's life-energy and reveal traces that give us important clues and can lead to the right remedy without having to delve too deeply into these patients' souls. Other biographies, by contrast, are less dramatic and the complaints develop gradually and more ‘gently’, which is also reflected in the homeopathic treatment. In these cases the path to the appropriate remedy is not rocky and steep but leads slowly and gradually to the goal. In the present case I also worked my way, step by step together with the patient, to the core of her complaints. This patient had already been given many remedies that repeatedly helped and gave relief. But there was also a deep sadness that kept resurfacing until I managed to find a remedy that fundamentally changed the patient's relationship with her daughter. This process of remedy-finding strongly reminded me of the similarities and differences we find between birds and mammals. For this reason I would like to present this case here and hope that you as a reader will benefit from it as much as I did.

In July 2009 a 65-year-old patient came to my consultation (I will call her Tina) to be treated for a rash on her abdomen. She also suffered from depression. At first she attributed her low mood to a lack of sunlight, but soon she spoke at length about her sadness, which she traced back to her problematic relationship with her adult daughter.

Tina (T): “When she was expecting the child, she didn't want me to come to her and help. It reinforced this old feeling in me of having failed as a mother. You must know that my husband and I divorced when my daughter and her brother were 17 and 18 years old. I believe she then felt that I wasn't there for her, that I distanced myself from her. I have great guilt about my drinking at that time and my addiction.”

Tina told the following about her childhood:

“I grew up on the High Plains. My father was a car dealer, workaholic and alcoholic. I was one of the older children in the family and had to help my mother with the household and the younger siblings. We didn't have much love and support back then. I felt cold and lonely. I couldn't go anywhere, I had no one to talk to. I didn't get on with my brothers. The older ones always teased me, made rude remarks about my appearance, or laughed at me because I played piano and clarinet. My brothers did well at school, I didn't.”

“Then I started cheerleading because there was no other sport for girls. I never felt good enough at anything. The others went to good schools, joined the Air Force or became lawyers. I felt useless.”

“My mother was always silent. I always thought she was angry with me. Her father had also been an alcoholic. She had it tough. I was her little helper, ran errands for her.” “I would have liked her recognition, to feel that she accepted me as I am. The opposite would have meant being a bad person, someone who is not loved, who is worth nothing.”

“I have only one memory from school. I had written in a book that I hated my headmaster. I don't remember why I wrote that. They even wanted to press charges against me! I never liked sitting still. History, geography and English never interested me. I was always active and wanted to play outside. I wanted to be outside and help my father in the fields. That would have been fun.”

“As a teenager I had a boyfriend. That relationship meant everything to me, but it fell apart at university. I was devastated. It destroyed my whole idea of life.”

“Sex before marriage was against my beliefs. I already felt guilty because I had allowed myself to pet. I was confused. Supposedly it was meant to be fun, but it wasn't. After the relationship ended I found a new boyfriend and became pregnant straight away. The child had colic and cried a lot. The father didn't really want children, but it was his excuse to avoid going to Vietnam. He was not a loving, warm man. He was cold and angry. I became pregnant again and this time I had a wonderfully calm daughter. He went to work and I stayed at home with the children. The motherhood role was hard for me. My son (we call him Eric) was a difficult child. I had no talent for it. I didn't know how to deal with a difficult child. We lived in the countryside, there was no support. When I started drinking and smoking marijuana, it was a huge relief. It was exciting and fun.”

“We had an open marriage. There were affairs and lots of alcohol. I was a wreck. It wasn't right. I saw no way out except to end the marriage. I was never as close to the children as I would have liked. The divorce was difficult, it broke the family apart. Everything was different and everyone was devastated. I remember Christmas alone at home. I had to look after the sick dog. I was lonely and sad. I felt unloved, unwanted and not loved.”

“My greatest joy are my grandchildren. They are cheerful and loving, wonderful children.”

“I keep dreaming that I miss an entire semester of classes and fail the exam.”

“I like living in the country. It is so quiet and peaceful. I like being away. I can't stand the cold wind.”

“I'm afraid of becoming ill and not being able to care for myself. I'm not looking forward to dying. I'm afraid of losing my husband; we've been married now for 14 years. We have a business together and he wants me to work more than I'd like. He wants me to help with making the hay, raking and planting the trees. It's simply too much. He has accepted it. For a long time it bothered me; I always felt I had to do more.”

Doug Brown (DB): “What relationship do you have with animals?”

T: “The dog is like a child to us, like a baby. There are no animals I don't like, I just don't think much of horses. You know I'm afraid of them, they might bolt. They are so big and unpredictable; I don't trust them.”

DB: “The work you are doing at the moment?”

T: “I'm employed at a driving school and give instruction to people convicted of drink-driving. I don't like it. I'm afraid I'll forget something, that I won't know what to say next. I get tense and have blackouts. I also work at a drug counselling centre and then it's hard to find time to go for walks and swim.”

“Besides the rash on my abdomen I often belch and my stomach feels over-acid.”

Prescription: Ambra grisea C200

Prescription: Ambra grisea C200

Comment: The physical complaints were non-specific. There were no sensations that pointed to a particular plant family. Although the theme of lack of support gives clues to an element from Stage 2, the theme did not run throughout the entire case. On the contrary: there were subtle indications of a remedy from the animal kingdom: the strange story about the hate message against the headmaster and the fear of legal action; the words she often used – “warm, loving” and “cold, lonely, unloved” – and a martyr theme (she is teased by her siblings; the theme “good person”/“bad person”) suggest stopping. The theme of “warmth” and the need to belong to a community or family group initially made me look for a mammalian remedy. Because the patient found it difficult to speak in public (profession) and had many stomach complaints, I decided on Ambra.

14 August 2009

T: “I'm doing well! The fungus is slowly disappearing and I'm not so emotional any more. I can accept things much more as they are. I don't judge so quickly and I don't have to control everything. I feel calmer and more at peace with the world. The remedy has made me more peaceful and composed. I can now accept the world, even in general.”

DB: “What about the relationship with your daughter?”

T: “She doesn't cause me so much distress now. The relationship has improved.

I have a rash where my bra sits. It comes and goes. The stomach over-acidity is the same. I'm having big stress at the moment with my son. He is hysterical and wants money from me because his hernia needs surgery. He is addicted to heroin. That makes me helpless. I'm angry and upset. He is so irresponsible.”

“I want to decide how and when I help my children. He has to learn that. I'm frustrated.”

“My husband still works so much. I can accept that more. I have spoken to him about needing more freedom … to meet a friend for coffee or lunch.”

“I had a terrible cough when I returned home from visiting my daughter … I couldn't sleep at night because of it.”

Prescription: Ambra grisea C200

15 September 2009

T: “I'm really well. I have tons of energy. I'm happy. I don't talk to my daughter so often, but when we do talk it's for a long time. I miss her and the children; it's hard for me not to be near them. I would like to be there to help with the children.”

DB: “The stomach over-acidity?”

T: “I stopped Prilosec a week ago but I still have a few complaints. Occasionally I still take Zantac.”

“The rash has got much better. You don't see it so much now.”

“I had a dream. In the dream I was in the house of a former boyfriend. His wife showed me the bedspreads she had sewn. I felt like an intruder. It was very uncomfortable.”

“In another dream, one of my clients wanted me to be present at the birth of her child. It was a great joy, a celebration. There was a feast. It was exciting; I felt very good about it. It reminded me of when I was asked to be present at the birth of my granddaughter.”

“I have had many positive dreams. The following dream felt like a healing dream: We swapped partners. There was no love. I could feel what it did to everyone. It was awful. It was healing in the sense that I could see how many people suffered because of my own divorce.”

Plan: wait and see.

26 March 2010

T: “I'm afraid! I tried to send a message and couldn't find the letters on the keyboard. Then I couldn't remember the names of my brother's children. The whole episode lasted 15 minutes. I had completely lost control. I couldn't find my way and was afraid that it would stay like that. I was afraid it could be a stroke, that I might die. It was as if the end had come. I even asked my husband whether he would marry again … and whether he would go on living as if nothing had happened.”

“I feel important; as if I had done important things. And then it's all over. The older I get, the less important my life becomes; also for other people less important. Older people no longer take so much part in life. I'm afraid of becoming a burden and not being able to care for myself.”

“The rash has spread. It's now on my back too.”

“This episode really upset me. I could hardly calm down. Everything got on my nerves. My husband has taken over the whole living room with his television. There is no place where I can find peace, a place to retreat to.”

“I feel trapped. I have to sit there and listen to him on the phone. I'm climbing the walls. Nowhere a place for me. It's like going mad. Like an animal in a trap pacing up and down in a cage.”

Prescription: Ambra grisea 1M

Comment: One could argue that at this point I should have recognised the bird theme. In addition to the sensation of being trapped, the patient shows an increased sensitivity to the issue of personal space, a place where she can settle. The nervous system of people who resonate with a bird remedy is more tense, sensitive and irritable than that of patients who need a mammal remedy. The theme of one's own territory usually appears in connection with the need to settle in a quiet place and to escape this irritability. Additionally, the patient raises another important bird theme, namely to be of significance and to take part in meaningful activities. We will return to this later.

4 May 2010

T: “I had severe back pain. An X-ray showed that I had pneumonia. The pain was unbearable. And my heart? I felt helpless; it consumed me.”

“Helplessness … that is when one has no control at all over feelings, emotions, over what is happening. Fear, confusion, what happens now? A feeling of misery, sadness.”

“I dreamed I stole a sewing machine. I felt guilty.”

DB: “An example of loss of control?”

T: “Dying. Dying without being able to accept it. Or an accident in which a pedestrian is run over.”

“I feel most comfortable with my grandchildren. Or at my work, with my clients. In the garden, or when cooking.”

DB: “Dancing?”

T: “I love to dance. I feel free, happy and alive then.”

DB: “Free?”

T: “Doing what I want. Even going wild. Relief, letting off steam, letting the cat out of the bag. Not having to control everything any more.”

Prescription: Carcinosinum C200

Comment: The theme of control jumped out at me; nonetheless I could still not recognise the picture of a bird remedy. The energy field of this wonderful patient was receptive to many remedies that helped her.

8 June 2010

T: “I'm well, I'm really well! The new remedy worked very well. It gave me a real boost of energy. I'm not so passive, I can assert myself more. It borders on impatience. I'm not so afraid any more that I might hurt other people's feelings. To a certain extent that works well. I just mustn't overdo it. I am now more able to say what I think.”

DB: “The back pain?”

T: “I still have it now and then, but it doesn't really bother me. I think it's a muscle. It comes and goes.”

DB: “The helplessness?”

T: “I don't have that any more.”

Plan: wait and see.

23 November 2010

T: “Many problems. My hip prosthesis is not sitting right any more. I need another operation.

I was hit by a car and injured in the shoulder and hip. It shows us how vulnerable a person is, how quickly life can change. It's a wake-up call.”

“I was on a trip I didn't really want to make. 50,000 people at a congress on addiction. I lost it. The bus went the wrong way; I felt very helpless.”

“I feel alienated from my family. My daughter is going to France to visit her husband's family. I'm happy for her but would also like to go with her. My husband always believes he knows what will happen next. His self-confidence annoys me.”

DB: “Vulnerability?”

T: “It makes me sad how quickly life can change. When I realised I was going to be hit by a car I was in a state of shock. I could feel the force of the impact. I was paralysed. Afterwards I had to realise that I could no longer enjoy the moment, the here and now. I had to keep reliving the past.”

“Never was the feeling of estrangement as strong as during my divorce. I was so afraid. I felt hurt and ashamed. I wondered how I would cope alone? Make decisions? Get by financially?”

Prescription: Hydrogenium C200

Comment: Hindsight is always wiser. Nevertheless it is difficult to understand that I still could not recognise the essence of a bird remedy.

There is the hip prosthesis that will not stay in place. What is trapped tries to flee! Then the martyr theme in the context of the car accident. Vulnerability is a big theme of the birds. This experience of one's own vulnerability ultimately contributed significantly to the development of the ability to fly.

Then we have the theme of estrangement, another important part of the bird vocabulary. In birds the emphasis is on relationships, particularly on bonds within the family.

23 December 2010

T: “I haven't noticed a big difference. I'm well, not nervous.

I'm sad because I can't spend Christmas with friends. Without the grandchildren something is missing.”

“My left foot hurts. I can hardly walk.”

“My future looks bleak. I feel useless.”

Prescription: Interestingly, the patient felt for the first time no reaction to a remedy. It was also the first time a remedy was prescribed that did not come from the animal kingdom. Why I insisted on that I don't know!

29.01.2011

T. “The remedy helped. I don't think so much about ageing any more, I don't ruminate so much. But when the fear does come I feel I'm losing control. I wake at 2 a.m. and can't get back to sleep. I still miss my daughter and my granddaughters. The foot pains are better.”

18 April 2011

T: “I'm really well. I have overcome a few big challenges. It is very satisfying; I feel strong and confident. I feel much stronger than before.

My mother will not live much longer. She is slipping away. I'm worried about what will happen to her. Sometimes I get panic-stricken, then I just want to sit alone, see no one, do nothing. Just lie on the sofa and read.”

Dreams

“My sister is impregnated with my husband's seed. I couldn't tell her. It was a big secret. It was awful for me. Not just because of my husband but because she is much older. I was afraid the baby would be born with Down's syndrome, that it wouldn't be normal.”

“A friend persuaded a man to go for treatment in Canada and to pay a lot of money for it. I don't like it when people are forced to do something against their will.”

“A group of people near a lake; I try to find a place where I can hide. People come to kill us.”

T: “My family – what is left of it – has dissolved. My son (drug-addicted) has been rejected. There is no connection any more. No family around you. Lonely. Without meaning. An abyss.”

Prescription: Hydrogenium LM6

Comment: These dreams are so important! The themes: secrets, infidelity, betrayal, abnormal, being forced to do something, by a lake being hunted.

Hydrogenium has the following rubrics:

Mind; Delusion; betrayed; he is

Mind; Delusions; to be murdered; he would be murdered; plot hatched to kill him; others had a

In retrospect we can of course say that this case offers more than what Hydrogenium covers.

16 August 2011

T: “All hell has broken loose. I had to place my mother in a dementia shared-living arrangement. It was terrible. She cried and didn't want me to leave her there. But I can't help her. I simply can't care for her; it would be a full-time job.”

“I feel exhausted. I have nothing left to give. I'm sad, distracted, drained. I just sit and stare out of the window. It's hard for me to stay balanced. There are many people trying to keep their heads above water. I'm going round in circles.”

Dreams

“I go somewhere and don't want Mum to be left alone. I asked a woman who barely knows her to look after her. All my siblings were angry about that. Everyone was angry with me. I couldn't undo it. It had already happened.”

“About a friend I was with before my husband died. I was with him. It was pleasant, it didn't frighten me. It was calm and peaceful.”

Prescription: Hydrogenium LM7

Comment: At this point an important bird theme appears: sense of duty.

24 October 2011

T: “My daughter is trying to isolate herself from the family; it felt like a rejection and I woke up and cried. My husband's friend accused me of not liking him. Everything is drained out of me. If anyone asks anything more of me I'll probably become unpleasant. The most important thing in life is to be nice, kind. I'm too wrapped up in myself, too selfish.

Exhaustion is like being dead, except you are still alive. Your soul is dead. You no longer have spirituality.”

Prescription: Sulphur hydrogenisatum LM5

Comment: Birds are creatures of the air, of breath and spirituality. Death is experienced as the extinction of the soul, much more than a simple cardiac arrest.

The following excerpts are from the period between 2012 and 2014.

T: “I'm frustrated because of this one woman who thinks she has to have everything under control. She has to play the boss, tell everyone what to do and what not to do. She always only talks about herself. She is egocentric.

Empathy. One doesn't know what the other has been through. Horrible things … rape, murder, shootings.”

Dream

“A plane crash. I only just survived.”

T: “Grief. Mother is in a nursing home. Going through a lot. Moving from the unconscious to consciousness. I'm asserting myself: That is new for me.”

Dreams

“My mother is in the nursing home and cannot control her bladder anymore. We sit together, embroider, dance.”

“My friend kisses my husband and pretends nothing has happened.”

T: “My stepdaughter lives next door – another person I have to care for.”

“No exchange, no contact in the family. They live over there in a bubble. They don't even look out of the window to see what's going on.”

“I am very nervous and tense. I had a client who told and told. I found it difficult to sit there and listen. My body tenses up and shuts down. I can't take anything in anymore. I feel trapped and want to get out. It feels as if I'm trapped in a dark cave, in a dark place. I'm stuck, there is no way out. I pray, ask God for help. A white bird flies past me, lands and shows me that he helps me.”

“I cannot imagine going through what other people have to go through, with death and fear. Lots of empathy.”

“It is getting tighter and tighter; I can't breathe.”

Dreams

“I am in the town where my grandmother lives, but I don't visit her. Terrible. Why don't I visit her? Everything contracts around me.”

“I go with my granddaughter to the lake where I grew up. There the birds wake us and lure us outside.”

“I try to walk on the water, to keep myself afloat.”

“My husband has an affair with his friend's wife. I felt devastated and betrayed.”

T: “I feel as if I have let everyone down, as if I am a failure.”

“I see my mother. She is dead. She sits in her chair. Her soul is no longer there.”

“My husband is dominant, controlling. The daughter's rejection is the ultimate humiliation. A part of me has died. She is there, but not present. Like my mother in the nursing home.”

Dream

“About my nephew. It was romantic, as if we were falling in love for the first time. The time when everything in life is new, exciting and full of hope.”

2 October 2014

Prescription: Cygnus cygnus C200

Comment: At last I understood what it was about. The white bird in my patient's dream led me onto the right path! Cygnus, of course, is the remedy for mourning the living [1]. The swan walks on the water, the symbol of the emotional world.

Follow-ups after Cygnus

3 November 2014

“It was agonising. My mother has died. I was with her and I'm glad about that. The remedy seemed to work even before I had taken it, before the agony began. The grief and sorrow did not completely overwhelm me. And the grief for her does not consume me entirely.”

“Physically I feel as good as I have for a long time. My hip feels good. I have no pain.”

“I feel more connected to my husband. At work I take a shorter stance. I have accepted that misfortunes happen. That there are things outside my control. I'm happy that my daughter-in-law lives next door.”

5 February 2015

“My daughter called and acted as if nothing had happened. Did I imagine that the rift existed? She has re-entered my life! My granddaughter may visit me in the summer holidays.”

“I dreamed of my mother; she was at the sea. She had got used to being there; I was happy.”

DB: “What about the mourning?”

T:“I have made my peace with it.”

Birds – Mammals

Birds and mammals are highly developed animals whose survival is mainly ensured by forming relationships with other members of their species. If we look at the classes of the animal kingdom – insects, bony fish, spiders, amphibians, crustaceans, arachnids, reptiles, birds and mammals – it is immediately apparent that only the last two classes practise parental care and protect their offspring.

Since the themes of caregiving and cooperation are formative for the remedy picture of all remedies from these two orders, the question arises how one can distinguish these remedy groups.

Mammal and milk remedies struggle for their own identity. Belonging is more important than being connected. Mammals can even go so far as to give up part of their own identity in order to belong. Compared with birds, mammals behave somewhat like the Malvaceae to the Solanaceae in the plant kingdom: for mammals it is important that others know who they are. Birds need others in order to take part in the community or to create something meaningful together.

In mammals hierarchy and competitive behaviour are very important, but occur behind the scenes. Usually the sycotic miasm is clearly recognisable. Birds also show these factors, but social participation has a higher priority. They want to take part in life, to do something meaningful in order to leave a good footprint on the earth. Birds do not so much feel stuck on a particular rung of a herd hierarchy, but invest a lot of energy in getting ahead in life. This can give the impression that they desperately want to climb the social ladder to obtain a better position. To achieve their goals they must show enormous discipline. Often one can find clues to the cancer miasm. On the mental level birds operate more abstractly and think in symbols, more so than mammals. The detachment from earthly spheres combined with a real vision (essential for flying) can present as being aloof, finesse, distractibility, workaholism, idealism or eccentricity.

Bird remedies place a lot of value on movement; they move from one place to another. In our patients this can appear as a transition from one life phase to another, perhaps even movement from life to death (the soul flies). Musculoskeletal complaints and spinal problems are often present. In mammals one often finds feelings of superiority or inferiority. In birds we see more often the feeling of having failed, or of having succeeded. This can relate to a personal goal, a new job or – more likely – to finding meaning and connection in an otherwise desolate and meaningless cosmos.

For mammals the community means protection, care and love. For birds we more often hear the terms inclusion and exclusion. These interlock with the sensations of attachment and participation. The opposite here is estranged, distant, detached. In mammals we find terms like ostracised, alone, excluded. In practice the differences are often not so clear-cut, as both remedy groups can use each of these terms.

It is probably more helpful to know that bird patients place great value on their autonomy. “Being forced to do something against one's will” is characteristic of the essence of the bird remedies [2] (2). Additionally they have a pronounced sense of responsibility towards other people, which paradoxically conveys a feeling of significance and belonging, but also restricts the patient's freedom and keeps them trapped.

Further expressions of bird energy:

Looking out of the window.

Family.

Balance; to fly you need two wings and a good sense of balance.

Disorientation; “I can't cope.” Can recall the Magnoliidae.

Perfectionism – doing everything right – high expectations.

Plane crash

> Outdoors/fresh air – being trapped. Consequences of wind, either good or bad.

Alien/strange/estranged; a continuum.

Empathy/compassion with outward movements followed by withdrawal, overwhelm.

Gratitude.

Becoming aware of the unconscious, shadows.

Desire to leave a legacy, to make a footprint on the earth; owl – wisdom; ibis – beauty and passion; dove – peace and innocence; condor – surrender, dying; macaw – individuality, etc.

Chocolate/tea/alcohol. Addiction.

Tension in the neck and back; spinal complaints with nerve-root disease.

[1] Jonathan Shore: Birds – Homeopathic Remedies from the Avian Kingdom, Narayana Verlag

[2] A further discussion by Doug Brown on differentiating lanthanides and bird remedies can be found under: “Golden Flight: Differentiating the Lanthanide from the Bird” in Hpathy Ezine, Jan. 2013.

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Photos
Amber; Hannes Grobe; Wikimedia Commons; CC BY-SA 2.5
Broken chain; lightspring; Shutterstock
Cygnus; Vlasta Kaspar; Shutterstock

Category: Cases

Keywords: depression, alcoholism, addiction, grief, rash on the abdomen, digestive complaints, feeling trapped, issue of control, victim role, vulnerability, lack of attachment, sense of duty

Remedies: Cygnus cygnus, Ambra grisea, Hydrogenium, Sulphur hydrogenisatum

Original article: Interhomeopathy.org